I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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