i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
