That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
