Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
