Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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