Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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