Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
