I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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