Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
