Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
