dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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