I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
only if we run a train.
done.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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