and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
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I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
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Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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