My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
