She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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