Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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