haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
