I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
