Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
