I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
