My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
