How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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