I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
