it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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