There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
