If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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