Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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