would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
