Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
