i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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