i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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