is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
