Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
