3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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