how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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