I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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