You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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