i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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