I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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