my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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