Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
