the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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