apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
