Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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