She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
