The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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