Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
