I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
