I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
