Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
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This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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