I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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