I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You were trust falling into bushes
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
