Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
