I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
is that a dick in a sweater?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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