I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
