I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
