You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
